I swear it’s got to be endemic lead poisoning at this point

Sounds like your subconscious is not satisfied with the activities you’re up to on the weekend. Maybe you could do something g that’s more meaningful and you’ll be more engaged and therefore less distracted by the clock, which is a fairly boring thing.

Try waking up early, as if you have work or school, and starting the day with exercise and food. It’s a great way to make the day seem longer.