I have been going to therapy off and on for years and whenever I bring up my desire to date and my difficulties with it I have gotten back to just work on myself and online I have seen “if you aren’t happy alone you won’t be happy in a relationship”. I have major depression and have had it for years. Am I supposed to just hope it goes away? Wait until my entire life has passed?
In the words of Bo Burnham, “We all deserve love; even on the days when we’re not our best; cuz we all suck, but love can make us suck less”
You shouldn’t seek a relationship just to fix yourself, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek a relationship. I think you’re being too hard on yourself.
You are not as broken as you think you are.
There’s nuance to the idea that you need to love yourself before loving someone else.
At its core, it means this: Nobody is responsible for your happiness but you.
When someone lacks self-love and enters a relationship, they often rely on their partner as their source of self-worth. This isn’t just unfair—it’s unsustainable and often leads to heartbreak.
To put it another way, you need to fill your own cup. You can’t walk around empty, expecting someone else to keep pouring into you indefinitely. That’s not their job, and trying to take it on is exhausting, leading to burnout and relationship failure.
The truth is, you have to learn how to be happy alone. A relationship isn’t about making each other happy; it’s about supporting and loving one another in a way that fosters self-love, allowing both people to grow into their fullest potential.
So that rules out people with depression?
No. You can learn to love yourself when you’re depressed. The two are not mutually exclusive.
Maybe not but they are highly comorbid. And having depression get in the way of a lot of my goal took a toll on my self esteem.
